jokespage1

Three U.S. soldiers were on a Special Ops mission deep in the jungles of South America. The three man team consisted of one Marine, one Navy SEAL, and one Army Ranger. The team was on patrol and was captured by a band of headhunters. The headhunters took the team back to the village to stand trial for trespassing on sacred grounds.

The three men were tied up and placed in the middle of the village to be questioned by the chief headhunter. The first to be questioned was the Marine.

"You have been found guilty of trespassing and will be executed. We will use your skin for canoes, your bones for weapons, and your meat to feed our people. Do you have any last requests?" the chief asked.

The chief gave the Marine the rucksack. The Marine opened it and pulled out a .45 pistol. He then shot himself in the head.

"We can still use his body," the chief said. He then turned to the SEAL and asked if he had any last requests.

When the chief handed him the chain, the SEAL opened a locket on the chain, took out a cyanide pill and swallowed it. Within 30 seconds he was dead.
"That's alright," the chief said. "We can still use his body."

When the chief handed the Ranger the mess kit, the Ranger opened it and took out his fork.

"Look here chief," the Ranger said, " you might be able to use my bones to make weapons for your people. You might be able to use my meat to feed your people. But," the Ranger said as he began stabbing himself all over his own chest, " to Hell with your damn canoes!"

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations:

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.

B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew cheif uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.

Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.

Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.

Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.

Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, cant do it because snake is on the endangered species list.

Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.

A SF Commo guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any cover here?" The bartender glances at the Troop and says, "No, we usually just duck behind the bar."

My wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

An SF Engineer Sergeant walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Engineer started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said the bartender, who was puzzled over what the SFer was up to, "what was that all about?"

GUTS -- arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and saying, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS -- coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and saying, "You're next."

Two SF weapons guys were sitting at a bar, throwing back a couple of cold ones. One of them notices that his team-mate is wearing an earring. He knows his buddy to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the slightly peeved friend replies sheepishly.

The fellow falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features.

However, if she is going thru her monthly cycle or experiencing menopause , she tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape
over his mouth while he is on fire.

A Special Forces Engineer Sergeant boarded a commercial airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it's the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I cannot accept
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the ass that I have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wenesday
20% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday.

And help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day
And it seems that people are trying to piss me off
That it takes 42 muscles to frown
And only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

THEIR FRIENDS: Never ask for food
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

OTHER FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.

OTHER FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...we fu@!ed up...but that $hit was fun!"

OTHER FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Cry with you.

OTHER FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.

OTHER FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

OTHER FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds a$$ that left you.

OTHER FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

OTHER FRIENDS: Are for a while.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are for life.

OTHER FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "Beitch, you better drink the rest of that, you know we don't waste!!"

OTHER FRIENDS: Will talk $hit to the person who talks $hit about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will knock them the fu@! out!!

OTHER FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will repost

Once upon a time, an Artillery Officer, an Armor Officer, and an Infantry Officer were walking through the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wild river. They desperately had to get to the other side. But how, with such a raging torrent? The Artillery Officer knelt down and prayed to the Lord: “Lord, please give me the strength to cross this river! "

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*
The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he almost drowned several times.

The Armor Officer, who observed this, prayed to the Lord and said: “Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessary tools to cross this river!”

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*
The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times.

The Infantry Officer who observed all this knelt down and prayed: “Lord, please give me the strength, the means and the intelligence to cross this river!”

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*
The Lord converted the Officer into a Special Forces Sergeant. The SF Troop took a quick glance on the map, walked a few meters upstream and crossed the bridge.

A Special Forces Team Sergeant was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the SF Troop shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the SF'er headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the SF Troop saw a tremendously huge alligator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the beast was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged the monster reptile onto shore near the remains of several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines flipped the gator on it's back and then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

8. Don't know how to be politically correct.
9. Don't give a damn about being politically correct.
10. Think that "politically correct" should fall under S### in the UCMJ.
11. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work."
12. Can run 5 miles with a hangover.
13. Do not fear women in the military.
14. Would like to date G. I. Jane.
15. Still know how to use a buffer.
16. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M1911A1 although they are no longer in the inventory.
17. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
18. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne.
19. Don't know how to use a "stress card".
20. Idolize John Wayne.
21. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander".
22. CENSORED
23. Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned.
24. Really don't like taking S### from those who haven't "been there".
25. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
26. CENSORED
27. CENSORED
28. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked twice.
29. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
30. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4.
31. Don't believe a darn thing the Iraqis say.
32. Don't need a GPS to find themselves.
33. Have enough BDU's in their closet to start a surplus store.
34. Think that MRE's taste good (with a little hot sauce).
35. Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works.
36. Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the chow line.
37. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing.
38. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it.
39. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16.
40. Know that inept leaders will always say they have inept soldiers.

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One U S Special Forces soldier is better than ten Taliban."

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out, "One U S Special Forces soldier is better than one hundred Taliban."

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again "One U S Special Forces soldier is better than one thousand Taliban."

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machineguns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's actually two of them."

While interviewing a US Army Special Forces soldier in Afghanistan, a Reuters News reporter asked the soldier what he felt when killing Al Qaeda with a sniper rifle.

The soldier thought for a moment and replied, "Recoil."

The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Sergeant Major, who was both Ranger and Special Forces qualified, which organization he would recommend to form a new anti-terrorist unit. The Sergeant Major responded to the General's question with this parable: If there were a hijacked Boeing 747 being held by terrorists along with its passengers and crew and an anti-terrorist unit formed either by the Rangers or the Special Forces was given a Rescue/Recovery Mission; what would you expect to happen?

Forces/Equipment Committed: If the Rangers went in, they would send a Ranger company of 120 men with standard army issue equipment.

Mission Preparation: The Ranger Company First Sergeant would conduct a Hair Cut and Boots Inspection, while the officers consulted SOPs and held sand table exercises.

Infiltration Technique: They would insist on double timing, in company formation, wearing their combat equipment, and singing cadence all the way to the site of the hijacked aircraft.

Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived, the Ranger company would establish their ORP, put out security elements, conduct a leaders recon, reapply their camouflage, and conduct final preparations for Actions on the OBJ.

Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would be completed within one hour; all of the terrorists and most of the passengers would have been killed, the Rangers would have sustained light casualties and the 747 would be worthless to anyone except a scrap dealer.

Forces/Equipment Committed: If Special Forces went in, they would send only a 12 man team however, due to the exotic nature of their equipment the SF Team would cost the same amount to deploy as the Ranger Company.

Mission Preparation: The SF Team Sergeant would request relaxed grooming standards for the team. All members of the team would spend a grueling after-noon at a quality spa ensuring physical abilities would be honed.

Infiltration Technique: The team would insist on separate travel orders with Max Per Diem, and each would get to the site of the hijacking by his own means. At least one third of the team would insist on jumping in HALO.

Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived , the SF Team would cache their military uniforms, establish a Team Room at the best hotel in the area, use their illegal Team Fund to stock the unauthorized Team Room Bar, check out the situation by talking to the locals, and have a Team Meeting to discuss the merits of the terrorists' cause.

Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would take two weeks to complete and by that time all of the terrorists would have been killed, (and would have left signed confessions); the passengers would be ruined psychologically for the remainder of their lives; and all of the women passengers would be pregnant. The 747 would be essentially unharmed, the team would have taken no casualties but would have used up, lost, or stolen all the "high speed" equipment issued to them.

Two Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, A Green Beret got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals.

The Green Beret kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Green Beret, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Seal picked up the Green Beret's boot and spit in it. When the Green Beret returned with the coke, the other Seal said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Green Beret obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it. The Green Beret returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Green Beret slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Green Beret asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and peeing in cokes?"

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house . The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, two claimed that he was still there .

A SF Commo Sargeant, a technical wizard, finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for awhile.
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The Troop found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Being used to access some kind of re-supply, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it
was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, simple." replied the woman, "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines (strategically positioned) and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... "

She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean?", he replied, "--I can check my voice mail from here?"

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Gas (at either end) is cool.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

NAVY / USMC	ARMY	AIR FORCE
Head	Latrine	Powder Room
Rack	Bunk	Single with ruffle and duvet
Mess Deck / Chow Hall	Mess Hall / Mess Tent	Dining Facility or 'The Cafe'
"Cookie", stew burner	Mess Cook	Contract Chef
Coffee / Mud	Cup of Joe	Vanilla Skim Latte'
Bug Juice	Kool-Aid	Shirley Temple
Utilities / Digitals	BDUs / ACUs	Casual Wear
Seaman / Private	Private	Bobby / Jimmy
Chief / Gunny	Sergeant	Bob / Jim
Captain / Skipper	Colonel	Robert / James
Captain's Mast	Article 15	Time Out
Berthing / Barracks	Barracks	Apartment
Skivvies / U-Trau	Underwear	Undies
Thrown in the Brig	Put in Confinement	Grounded
Zoom Bag	Flight Suit	Business Casual
Cover / Head Gear	Beret	Optional
Ship's Store / NEX	PX (PX Trailer)	AAFES Shopping Mall
TAD	TDY	PCS with family
Cruise / Afloat	Deploy	Huh?
Ground Grabbers	Athletic Shoes	Flip-Flops
Die for your Country	Die for your Battle Buddy	Die for Air Conditioning
Shipmate / Marine	Battle Buddy	Don't Ask, Don't Tell or Honey
Terminate / Kill	Take Out	Back on Base for Happy Hour
Boon Dockers	Jump Boots	Birkenstocks
Low Quarters	Low Quarters	Patent Leather Pumps
SEAL	SF/Ranger	Librarian
Shore Patrol / MPs	MPs	SF
Oouh-Rah!	Hoo-ah!	Hip-Hip hurray!
MRE	MRE	Happy Meal To Go
Salute	Salute	Wave
Obstacle Course	Confidence Course	Class 6 Parking Lot
Grinder / Drill Field	Parade Field	What?
Ge-Dunk	Snack Bar	Chuck E. Cheese
PT Test	APFT	"No conversion available"
Dept. of the Navy	DoD	DoD Lite
Midshipman	Cadet	Debutant
Hard-Core	Strak	"Way Too Serious"

When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail to link between New York with Chicago.

A Special Forces Medic goes into a local drug store with his younger son. After entering they find themselves along the aisle where condoms are for sale. The son stops the Medic and asks, "Dad, what are those?". Being ever alert to educate his son, he replies, "Well, those are condoms. They are used for preventing sexually transmitted diseases and for birth control. It's very important that you be responsible to yourself and your partner and make a habit of using them."

The boy looks back at his father and says, "Geez, Dad, I know about that. What I want to know is why they come in packs of six and in packs of twelve?"

"Oh", the veteran Medic laments, "Well, the six pack is for before you're married. You get two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday morning ."

Consternated, the soldier replies, "Right, well, the twelve pack is for after you're married. You get one for January, one for February, one for..."

A Special Forces Team Sargeant goes into a bar and orders up a tall, cold one. Through the corner of his eye he spots a gorgeous Redhead that is watching him closely. Their eyes meet and they both smile at each other.

After a couple of minutes, the young lady rises and gracefully glides over and takes the seat next to the ruggedly, handsome SF Trooper.

Quietly, she leans over and whispers in his ear, "My, I think you are really something. I'll bet the girls are crazy about you, when was the last time you made love?"

The Green Beret took a sip from his drink and slowly lowered back to the table. "Well, ma'am, ya know, I haven't had sex since 1955."

Surprized and wide eyed, the young lady replies, "Goodness, you must be feeling quite energetic right now."

There was a Marine Corps Sargeant that had just dismounted an AMTRAK in a light rain. He looks down while briskly running for cover and discovers that he is moving through about six inches of mud. He thinks to himself, "Oh God, I LIKE this $hit!"

There was a Navy SEAL Petty Officer that, after a 3 mile underwater swim found himself in a pounding rainstrom, low-crawling through thick mud and muck which covered him and his gear from head to toe. He thinks to himself, "Oh God, I LOVE this $hit!"

There was a Special Forces Sargeant that while performing a HALO insertion from 30,000 feet through the damnedest rain, lighting, thunder, and bruising hail stones the size of baseballs, found himself open under a malfunctioning main canopy and short of his Drop Zone. He deploys his reserve and ends up landing in triple thick canopy loaded with tree limbs and briars that just shred his body, his BDU's, and all his gear. Finally, he crashes to ground, rolls up his gear. He thinks to himself, "Oh God, I LIVE this $hit!"

There was an Air Force Sargeant that gets to his office and switches on his personal computer. After a few minutes the machine boots up and he discovers that his email is not working. He thinks to himself, "Oh God, I HATE this $hit!"

A young Leutenant, a Special Forces A-Team Executive Officer, goes into a bar with his prized German Shephard whose name was "Ranger". The XO and Ranger belly up to the bar and the SF Troop tells the bartender, "You know something, I've got the most amazing dog in the world."

The bartender looks at him with no special regard and replies, "Oh yea, what so great about your dog. Looks like a regular German Shephard to me."

"Well," the young LT says, intently, "This is no average German Shephard. He can talk!!! And, I'd bet you a round of drinks that I can prove it."

Now very intrigued, the bartender looks at the soldier and says, "OK, baby, you got a bet. Bring it!"

The young officer turns and sees his trusty pet laying quietly on the floor. "Ranger", he exclaims, the dog immediately springs to attention. "OK, boy, I need you to take this $10.00 bill and go down to that pizza joint and bring us back a pie."

Ranger looks back and says, "OK, boss, you got it!" He grabs the saw buck and hits the door like the building was on fire. The SF Troop slowly turns back around and gives the astonished bartender a huge grin.

"That is by far, the most amazing thing that I have ever seen, says the Bartender, "I'm glad to set you up with what ever you want. What'll be."

About a drink and a half later, the bartender asks, "Is your dog coming back? I'm dying to see him talk again."

"Well," the XO says as he glances at the door, "I guess I'll have to go see about him. Stay put, We'll be right back."

After stepping out front of the bar, the Leutenant stops, looks around and listens. Off, a short way down the block, he hears a huge racket. A dog is barking, howling at the top of it's lungs, and he hear could the sound of trash cans being tossed around. Wondering what on earth was going on, he quickly moved down to the corner of a blind alley and peered around the corner.

To his amazement, he sees Ranger mounted on a very sexy little Poodle and was humping for all he was worth. Incredulous, he shouts at the dog, "Ranger, what the Hell are you doing? I've never seen behavior like this before!!!"

Stopping in mid-stroke, Ranger looks back over his shoulder to his master and says, "Sorry Boss, I've never had $10.00 before."

A Special Forces Weapons Sargeant had been working out in a bar for a fairly long time and has ended up pretty well toasted. Realizing this, the Bartender tells the now totally crispy Troop that this will be his last round.

Upon learning this, the Sargeant throws back the last drink, turns and wobbles toward the front door. After a few minutes the soldier reappears at the door and carefully makes his way back to the bar.

Surprized, the Bartender says, "Listen fella, I told you that you were done and you need to hit the road!" To which the SF Troop replies, "No problem Big guy. We're outta here." And, turns and meanders out the back door.

Again, a few minutes later, the SF'er stumbles through the back door, trips, falls, and lands in a heap at the base of the bar. Now getting irritated, the Bartender comes from around the bar, helps the drunk soldier to his feet and very sternly says, "Look Buddy, you have had enough! You need to get a taxi, go home, and sleep it off!!!" The Bartender leads him to a side door, tosses him out and says, "Don't come back!!!"

A short time later, the drunken SF Trooper again staggers back into the bar through the same side door. He bellies up to the bar and loudly exclaims, "Bartender, gimme a tall, cold beer."

Now, totally pissed off, the Bartender looks at the clueless soldier and says, "Look Pal, you've had your share. Your not getting another drop. Leave now or I'm gonna call the Cops."

Puzzled and confused, the SF'er looks back at the Bartender through his drunken haze and says, "Damn Man, how many places do you work at?"

A retired Team Sargeant was taking his grand kids on a road-trip. After being on the Interstate for a while, the old SF'er finds himself being pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. Both the vehicles pull over to the side of the road.

The Patrol Officer approaches the old timer and asks for his license and registration. He then says, "Well, Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?"

Un-flustered, the Team Sargeant replied, "No Sir, I don't think I did anything wrong. I was doing the speed limit."

"Yes, Sir," the officer replied sympathetically, "I pulled you over because you were only doing 20 miles per hour!"

"No, sir," says the officer, "that's not the speed limit. That's the Interstate that you are driving on!"

By now the Highway Patrolman notices the wide-eyed grand kids in the back of the car. He leans in closer to the kids and says, "Hi there, guys, how are you doing today?"

After a couple seconds of silence, the older girl says, "We're OK now. A little while ago, we were on Route 199!"